My father is a military man, a Warrant Officer, to be exact. Almost every day he tells me funny stories about his friend - Major Jones. The thing is that almost all funny situations in their unit happen to that man. Therefore everyone loves him: he can turn a usual dull day into a holiday of humor. The matter is that he is very clumsy because of his stout body! Being 39, he weighs 331 pounds! It's quite a challenge to carry such a mass the whole day to and fro!
Major Jones is a very ingenuous and kind person. He likes to laugh at himself too and to tell his friends when, where and how he made a fool of himself. However, he has not been overweight for all his life. About ten years ago he used to go in for weightlifting, but something went wrong and he began getting fatter. Well, actually, this is his version of the story, but everyone in the unit knows that he is so fat, because he eats like an elephant!
Once, when there was a morning meeting in the unit and all Warrant Officers and Majors were in the line, the General couldn't see Jones there. "Where's Jones? Why isn't he in the line yet?!" he asked angrily. But no one wanted to betray his good friend and everyone was keeping silence, thinking about what to say. "There he is, sir!" - Someone said, and the whole line saw quite an enthralling sight.
A young soldier was coming in the direction of the line with a stool in his hands. Major Jones was trudging behind him. "Stay there!"- He shouted suddenly, and the soldier put the stool down. The major sat down, wiped his forehead and then kept on walking. Having made ten more steps, he shouted again: "Stay there!" and the performance repeated.... When he finally reached the line, the General couldn't find appropriate words. "What the hell is this? Is it a circus here or an army?" "An army, sir!" - said the major and then added quietly, - "I'm sorry, I've just had a substantial breakfast..." Father says it was very difficult to keep from laughing!
The other day Jones was sitting (it's almost impossible to see him standing!) by the entrance gates and dozing under the warmth of the sun. As you, probably, know it's forbidden to wear civilian clothes in the unit. Well, Jones doesn't give a damn about this rule, as he says. But everyone knows why he doesn't wear the uniform - just because he can't get the one of his size! This time he wasn't wearing it either.
Suddenly, one of the soldiers noticed the General's car approaching. "Hurry up, sir! You'd better get out of here! The General is coming!" - heard the major in his sleep. When he realized what was happening he made an abrupt movement to stand up, but lost his balance and fell to the ground! It was like an earthquake! "Jones! Who allowed you to sunbathe on the ground in front of the gates? And where's your uniform?!" - The General's voice was like a thunder. That day Jones had to listen to the General's swearword not less than an hour! Though, it never made him wear the uniform, anyway!
Two weeks ago Major Jones and my father went fishing together. There were two of them in the boat. The weather was fine, everything was great. But suddenly the major wanted to pee. When my father saw him rising he shouted "No! Don't do that! Don't move!" But it was too late - the boat turned upside down! So, fishing turned into swimming. They still laugh, telling this story, and major usually adds: "So what? Swimming is very useful: I lost a couple of pounds when I reached the bank!"
Certainly, these are not all the stories about this man; I can tell at least ten more of them. You may think: poor guy, what a hard life he leads! Actually, Jones himself never complains of his life. He is a merry, kind and happy father, husband and major. Everyone loves him and he usually says about himself: bigger man - better man!
Nastya, 22
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